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I have a problem.. with me. Usually, this is not something I'll talk about. I'm a perfectionist in some way or another in my life. Example, when I play a song on guitar, I need it to be perfect, I need to be able to play the basic chords perfectly. Otherwise, I will really be so angry and upset with myself it is beyond what anyone can do or say to try to convince me otherwise. But this time, it is a bigger and more important people because it does not only deal with me but the people around me. I do not know how to work in group/with people anymore. This is something I realize in the past months/weeks and it is getting more dire. I'm left alone and doing things on my own so much that it reached a point where I don't even really want to work with other people anymore or I find it difficult to do so. It hits me really hard, especially when I'm with a group of friends and the one decision that everyone has to decide is "where do we eat?" or "where are we going?" or "when are we meeting up?" or "when are you free to _____?" It's pretty much like a typical girlfriend-boyfriend thing where the girl goes like aiyah.. anything lah. then the guy suggests something and the girl says anything but that! IT GETS ON MY NERVE! Whenever a group is unable to decide and in my heart I will go if you all can't decide then I decide, you guys better not say no. This attitude sucks, I know. I fail to be able to sympathize AND empathize with people. I have zero patience with waiting for people. I try my best to understand but more often than not, I get really annoyed. I hate the way groups move so slowly. I hate that people in a group are so stuck in their own world they don't bother catching up and they just drag everyone behind. I hate when people are indecisive. I hate when things done in a group is 200x slower than things done alone. You might be thinking.. come on, it can't be THAT bad right? Maybe. It has come to an extent where I don't bother asking people out if I want to do something. I hate arranging with people. I became the queen of impromptu. I do what I like the moment I feel like it. I take a trip down to Orchard to walk around just because I feel like it. I watch a movie at 11pm just because I feel like it. I go all the way to sentosa simply just because I feel like it. Don't want to go to _____ with me? Fine, I'll go alone. I became all about me. This lifestyle of mine, I'm not sure if it hurt people around me. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. I am not quite sure. Probably it pushed people away from me, probably it made me look like I have such a 'happening' and 'exciting' life, probably it made me less likable because I am annoyed in a group like 60% of the time. I dread the company of more than 3 people. I dread the need to wait. I love it when I can openly ask "anyone wants to catch a movie later at 7pm?" when it is like 2pm and I get response. I love it when people in a group makes decision quick. I love it when people are available for me. I love a great impromptu adventure. Probably, just probably, I'm not living life like normal people. Maybe I can never be 'normal' again. |