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Things on my mind right now I don't usually write two blog post in a month and if I actually do it, it means that something is happening. Or there's something on my mind that I really want to get off. This thing has been on my mind for days and I don't know how to come up with a conclusion. So here's the thing.. I want to get off social media platforms. This might be surprising, or it might be not. But I've came to a point where I find that I have to constantly write or share something about my life with other people, and sometimes those things don't even matter. In one way or another, I've became a different person online as compared to me in real life. And there are things I post online that I don't want certain people to see but I can't block it (example, this blog). Social media pressurizes me as much as it taught me things, as much as it pulls the world closer to me. I would not read newspaper articles online if not for people sharing it over facebook. I wouldn't have known about so many events or people if not for instagram/twitter/facebook. So in this case, social media platforms are actually good. It exposes me to more things and cause me to be more aware of so many things I would not have been aware of. Sometimes it even helped me to understand a friend better, know what they are going through. At the same time, I'm affected by it. It caused me to have the constant need to be doing something interesting, it caused me to feel even more alone. Looking at people posting instagram photos of going out to a certain place, or taking a snap of them out with their friends and I'm just here. It doesn't make me feel less alone. I would have thoughts like "wow this person is out having so much fun again, and I'm here doing nothing" or like "nobody asks me out.." or "___ has got so many friends.." No, I don't complain when I have work and others are having holidays, that point I understand fully. I'm referring to a common off days like weekends or public holidays. Maybe it's just me, and that I need to learn to control my thoughts and I need to do something about it. But you know when you ask people out constantly and you keep getting rejected because "I'm busy, I've alr made plans" or "I'm tired" or "it's so far!" or simply because the thing you want to do, others don't want to (example, ice skating). It happened to me many times that I think most of the time it's easier and faster to do things on my own. At the same time, I wonder how many people actually know me for who I am, know how I feel every time and understand the fears that creeps up late in the night when I'm not asleep. How many people would send me a genuine text to ask "How are you?" or "Have a good day at work!"? Or even simply how many people would have the time to talk to me and not understand me by scrolling through my blog/facebook/twitter/instagram. This is why I said I might not be who I really am online. Honestly, I can post a happy post about how I had a great day but in actual fact I am very sad because I know that such days will not happen again. Recently, I end a happy day feeling sad because it has ended and that cause such days don't happen often. I'm glad that the event happen, but I feel more sadness because it has ended. It doesn't take an idiot to know I don't talk much to people on a regular basis or that I don't go out often. Social media changed the way I think. It caused me to always have the need to be surrounded by people. It caused me to have the need to show that I'm happy and that if I'm posting something unhappy online, I'm just ranting to a bunch of useless audience. (People even tell me that if I have nothing happy to post or say, don't do it) Social media makes me think that I need to always have something happening in my life, and that if nothing goes on, I'm lonely and alone. It made me think that it is not okay to not have done a certain thing at this age, it sets expectations that I cannot achieve. At the same time, it made me think of where I want to go and what I can achieve with my talents. It inspires me to be creative and think out of the box. But the reason why I'm still hanging on is because if not for social media, I would not talk to some people and I would not be updated with information. I would not know when Taylor is touring, or when The Sam Willows are going to have another gig, or when a new song comes out. I would not have the inspiration to do things. Social media brings about life as much as it bring about emptiness in me. |