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I think, I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories which all comes back.. but he never does. I think a part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.. It's not really anything he said or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it, and crazy thing I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again, but I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved to fast and burned to bright... but I just thought how could the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks.. so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me... I guess I just lost my balance I think the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...it was losing me. -Taylor Swift, I Knew You Were Trouble Sometimes, there are things that you REALLY REALLY want to do. But then you're afraid history would repeat itself. It's like the 'once bitten, twice shy' logic. Like once I'm bitten, it all comes back in flashes. Or probably you just want to find back yourself after you lost it (after you're bitten), and things keep happening until you don't know what or who is the real you anymore. More often than never, I'm constantly asking myself what is the real JM like? I don't know, if I am the super noisy one, or the self-conscious one. I think it is part of growing up, where you know a certain way that you ought to behave that you wish such 'rule' didn't exist. Nobody ever writes that 'rule' into a book or anything, it is like an unwritten social norm. There's always this struggle of 'I want to be like that but I cannot, I am 18 years old already' kind of thing. I'm pretty sure some of you know what I mean, I can't give any example now. My friends are all like "oh I don't do that anymore" and I'm like stuck here.. constantly asking myself "why?" I miss having real fun where I just make noise, sing out loud and make a fool out of myself. Part of me really want to do that every single day, and then the other side tells me no. Things are tough eh? I question my own character also. I feel like I'm a 15 year old trapped in a 18 year old body. I think SO MUCH like a secondary school girl, my interest, my taste in things.. sigh. My friends are all talking about blogshops, makeups, good food, drama, boys, and I know no shit about anything simply because I am not interested. Part of me wants to fit in so badly, the other half won't let go because that's who I really am. The other day I was looking at old photos of me probably in sec 1 or sec 2. I didn't look the prettiest among all my friends, but I'm very sure I have a WAY MORE happier heart than now. I want to be that happy again, you know, to be just carefree and be positive about everything. I don't know how did I manage to do it in the past. I want to be that happy again, like the joy really comes from inside of you, and your whole being is really happy and optimistic. I hate that I'm no longer so optimistic. Not sure if people notice it, but that's how I feel about myself on a personal basis. I miss those times where friends are just friends. no such thing as going too close to someone and someone might just fall for you. Am I weird or unique? I don't know. |