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As days passed, this feeling of incompetency and failure creeps up. Sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker. This feeling hurts, but then again, I cannot feel the physical pain. How I wish there's a way to relieve this pain inside of me. The previous time I felt that I needed to relieve the pain (on an impulse), I had my first tattoo done. You have no idea how good it felt to finally be able to feel the pain that has been inside for so long. Every little thing, suddenly mean so much now. I'm afraid of failure, more afraid of it than ever before. I'm afraid of not being accepted, I'm afraid of not being good enough, I'm afraid of gossips, afraid of feeling not important, of not being liked, afraid of commitments. Just basically everything. It stresses me a little every day, but I don't show it. You probably won't even know about it until you read this. And every single time things don't go the way it should, I blame myself. These little things pile up, and is still piling, but there is no way out. Because of this, I lose my balance while trying to focus on what I failed, sometimes I get reckless and distracted which in the end causes more bad incident and more fear and worry and self-doubt. I don't understand how are people able to balance their life? I just feel super off balance most of the time. This is like an eyelash in my eye. It irritates me. Sometimes I just feel like giving up all in all, which to a certain extent, I already did. So many times I just want to leave home and not talk to anyone. (Not because my home is a bad place to be, just that I really want to be alone in a quiet place) I don't know how else to describe this feeling. Sometimes I feel like probably me not existing is a better idea all in all. I feel like I am in a box, I want to get out. There's so many things preventing it. Mainly me. |