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You don't know a thing about me
How do I even start this post. I don't know how to start saying how I feel anymore. I know, probably some of you at the end of reading everything you must go something like "I told you" or something along that line. But right now, I don't want to care what others say about me. Especially gossips. I think that they are the really unnecessary things that still exist. And people don't think before they spread and say things about other people, they don't think whether the information are real or not. And like what Mrs Tan said in lesson just now, sometimes people only notice when people make mistakes but when they actually do something right or do something well, people take it as 'it is just normal, she should be doing this' and then misses out the compliment. I don't go for compliments, but I want to know at least what I am doing right. Everything feels so wrong now, I don't know what is going on. How am I going to continue to face this awkwardness for the next 16 months, for almost every single day. I really can't imagine. I need a breakthrough in this. I don't mind being the way I am now, but I HATE the reason that is causing this. This reason is probably me, or probably like what I've said just now, some things about me have been going around. But if it is the second reason, then I would say the people are also a little too childish and I'm speechless. But then again, the reason that cause the second reason is the first. Which means I am the root of everything, there's something about me. I agree, I have become a pretty stubborn person, sometimes others tell me what to do and I refuse to listen. I also have this flaw of selective listening. I choose what I want to digest, and I choose to ignore information that I don't like. I choose WHO I want to listen to and WHAT I actually like about what people say. I don't know since when I changed to become a person like this, maybe I just had enough of people pushing me and only ask for me when they need a certain thing. Or some other reason, I don't know HOW it ended up like this, I don't know WHEN I started to change, I don't know WHY am I even like this, I don't know WHAT caused me to be like this. Why do I feel like somehow I am being hated? I tell myself, people that hate me won't matter to me and don't matter to me. Maybe I'm thinking too much.. I just keep feeling like people don't like me because I'm too stubborn and I'm proud. Do you know what it feels like to be hated? or to be awkwardly rejected by people? All I wanted was to go through this 20 months and get everything done with. Then that's all, goodbye to you all forever. But it's only the 4th and I'm facing this every day. It's something that's so heavy in my heart that I cannot forget. Probably there's something wrong with me after all. I should just stop my bullshit and everything. Things are hard when nobody can understand you in your situation, when you can't speak the same 'language' and at the same 'frequency' that is audible for everyone else to hear and understand. Is it so hard? Is it only me?
It's so hard to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world. and let alone the cultural mandate. I can't even pass the first stage of breaking out of my own world and stepping into other's. |
