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You pretty little liars.
I don't think anyone can understand how I feel now. The thing is.. I, myself also don't understand why am I feeling this way. How do I put into words how I'm feeling, generally moodless. Not happy, maybe a little sad. It's the feeling where I don't understand why is everything happening. I don't know anything that is happening in my life. I don't know what that group chat is all about, I don't know how to do my school work, I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know how to communicate. And for all these, I'm angry at myself. Self-hatred, I guess. I don't like myself now. Maybe it's because all of a sudden all my flaws are being pointed out, huge blow? Maybe. People don't see things the same way as I do. I don't know when should I be friendly, when should I be formal. I really don't understand this, I don't understand how people see my words. I don't know what people think of me. I care about what people think of me, because those people are those that I want to keep. Nobody can understand how hard it is now, I have zero idea how to fit in. Hence, I'm keeping quiet. There's a joy in listening and not speaking. Again, I'm afraid to speak because I don't want to make mistake. I don't want people to misunderstand me. And it seems like the things I say always offend people because of the way I think, maybe I should have just kept all those comment in my head. In this way, it doesn't only save myself, but also save this relationship with another person. I don't want to hurt people. As much as I try, i mean, who wants? But if I think all that I say is hurting people or causing people to avoid me, then I think I shouldn't speak at all. Learn to listen, that is what 2 ears is for, isn't it? |