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Ah, I'm just annoyed. Someone keep saying that I look old. and the next moment my mother keep picking old-looking clothes for me to wear just because she thinks that I cut bangs make me look like a small kid. I didn't cut my bangs to look like small kid. I don't want to be called a small kid, neither do I want to be called 'chao lao'. But I'd choose to look younger if I have to choose between one. And seriously, my mother have to scold me for choosing some clothes with sequins on it for new year and saying her previous dress with sequins looks not nice. And just because I choose some design too thing/simple, she'll say it will spoil easily. Honestly I'm just different from her can? I'm different from the rest of my family or relatives. I hate jeans, I hate fake double-layered clothes, I hate people making fun of me. And that's just one of the reasons I'm feeling so annoyed. I'm simply not interested in choosing clothes for an event that I'm not interested in. Yes, I have ZERO interest in Chinese New Year this time. I'm totally bored of it. I'm not like many of you who have like OH SO MANY COUSINS. and you guys get to go overseas. Neither do I collect much hongbao in CNY, so that just makes it even more boring. My family is small, I'm not close to them. We don't talk much, I'm different from them. Do I need to say more? Whatever, you think that it's my fault that I'm being different from the rest. But I really don't care. Well, That's just one point of why the heck am I so angry. Secondly is about my Od results. and this is my fault too right? I freaking scored 18 for my R4. That's not a very good result, I know. And I cannot get into Early Childhood in NP and needless to say, TP. I don't meet the COP. So I'm having some hard time trying to choose which course to go and even thinking to go to private school just for Early Childhood. Then again, my mother says that it is expensive and blah blah blah. And like keep telling me to go other courses instead of Early Childhood. She says that I might like the other course instead. Sure, I might like it, but I won't love it as much as Early Childhood right? This, I think it is my fault. I didn't study well. Whatever, I can't remember what I was doing, I only know i studied. My mother is just telling me to choose whatever I like, and then she goes trying to tell me not to choose this not to choose that. Okay, for this I think all mothers are like that. I'm just angry at myself. Another thing, I don't know why my mother is just not that supportive of whatever that I'm doing. I remembered when I was young I asked my mother if I could have piano lessons and she said no because it is useless. Oh, see who can play the piano and guitar now. This point applies to my poly choices too, she just think that I cannot do this and I cannot do that. And work too. Since I'm not working now, she is going to start her thing about me looking for a job again. Like hello, I'm just having a holiday, it is not a MUST to look for a job right. she just makes it sound like the whole family depend on me for income. This morning I told her that looking for job was 'no rush' and the gave me the look like she dare me to say it again. Seriously? Can't I not work? Can't I stay at home and just be useless for some time and just relax. It's a holiday after all. I don't know what she want. I'm still young, I'm only 16 (my birthday is not here yet). I want to run and do what I like, I love to take risk. I want to try new stuff that sounds totally wrong and ridiculous to you. I want to try and be like everyone else I wanna try make my own stuff, I want to take risks, I love adventure and even if I get lost, I'll learn from it. I don't like to always stay on the safe side and everything to be 'just in case'. I want to find a place where I can be like everyone else. But for now, my best family is still my cell group. No other ministry can ever beat that. Usher is simply too big and hard to know each other really closely, and dance ministry they just leave out some people. And if you guys do not really want me to join in the session and you guys don't ask me along, then I will not go. I don't want to be some extra. So that's why I still love my cell group the best. And right not, the best family, N507. I love them.  The reason why I look forward to fridays and saturdays. It's them. |
